


I still want you...

by UchihaEclair



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Clubbing, Drinking, Drunk Sex, Drunken Kissing, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Getting Back Together, Jealous Nanase Haruka, Kissing, M/M, Matsuoka Rin/Nanase Haruka-centric, Past Matsuoka Rin/Nanase Haruka, Pining, Post-Break Up, Post-Canon, Pro Swimmer Matsuoka Rin, Pro Swimmer Nanase Haruka, Rin and Haru on the national swim team, Rivalry, Slow Burn, Swimming, Tokyo (City)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:08:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24144907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UchihaEclair/pseuds/UchihaEclair
Summary: Rin had been abroad training in Australia for a year after graduating from Samezuka. Haru and Rin who had always been in love finally got together, and they were so in love. However, the distance between them, the time difference and the rigid schedules that the two professional swimmers had was too much. One day Rin broke up with Haru and they never spoke again.It's 4 years later, and Rin returns to Japan for the national swim team, which Haru is already on. Little does he know his friends are holding a surprise party, where Haru is invited.
Relationships: Hazuki Nagisa/Ryuugazaki Rei, Matsuoka Gou/Mikoshiba Momotarou, Matsuoka Rin/Nanase Haruka, Tachibana Makoto/Yamazaki Sousuke
Comments: 14
Kudos: 51





	1. The break up

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone, it's my first rinharu fanfic, which is odd since they're my actual #1.  
> This will be a long one, but fun, and angsty :P  
> There will be some smut but mostly fluff or angst. and just rinharu being rinharu aka being madly in love.

Rin was standing in his one bedroom apartment looking out the glassdoor for his balcony. The dark sky glistened with stars and contrasted the bright colours and lights from everywhere in Sydney that made it seem like it was still lively. He was going to miss it, he had been here for 5 years, it was his home now. But he just couldn't give up on his dreams, and being offered a chance to join the Japanese national team was a chance he had to take. 

As he was thinking he walked across the dark wooded oak floor and sat on his bed. He was looking at the packed suitcases along with the apartment which only had the furniture that was owned by his landlord. All his stuff was packed in suitcases, he didn't have much considering he had lived in Australia for 5 years, he wasn't a person who bought a lot of stuff. 

He was scrolling through Facebook on his phone. He was quite anxious that he was leaving tomorrow but more than all he was excited. It would be good to see his mum, Gou, Sousuke, Ai, Momo, Makoto, Rei, Nagisa and everyone else again.

He stopped scrolling through facebook as he saw a post Nagisa had put up. His eyes immediately focused on the third person from the left, the beautiful guy with striking blue eyes and dark black hair. He was a sight for sore eyes. Rin's heart beated faster, but it felt heavy, and he felt uneasiness in his stomach. Oh yeah, _he_ would be there too he thought. He tried to shake off the nerves but it was too late, now his head was flooded with memories. 

Memories of them being kids, swimming against each other, and he felt the cold of the water on his skin as his stomach lit up with excitement. He remembered meeting him again, and the butterflies in his stomach as he realised it was Haru, but he kept it under control, not even wanting to admit his feelings to himself. He remembered racing together in high school and having fun. The relays, he'd never forget looking up as Haru jumped down into the water, so beautifully, his toned abs made Rin heat up and it felt like time had stopped. 

* * *

Then he remembered that special night after graduating high school where he stayed at Haru's and everything began.

_Rin knocked on the familiar wooden door he'd knocked on so many times before. However, it didn't feel like it usually did, it felt weird, strange, he was nervous. It was just him and Haru tonight, the others couldn't make it. That knowledge made his chest tighten. He was leaving for Australia in a month so he wanted to get the most out of it and see his friends as much as he could._

_Haru was different though, it no longer felt right to call him just a friend. Rin had come to terms with his feelings for Haru finally, after so many years where they'd been spewing in his heart. He was certain that Haru didn't feel the same, and he was determined to never let anyone know. No one even knew he was gay._

_He was interrupted as the door opened and his red eyes met sparkling blue eyes. Those damn beautiful eyes. He felt butterflies tingling in his stomach._

_"Hey Haru" he said and smiled brightly while grinning_

_Haru smiled back, a slight smile, but in his blue eyes are where his true emotions lay, "Hey Rin" he said softly as warmth erupted in his stomach._

_They walked in, ate and had fun, talked and even had a few arguments, friendly arguments of course, but the tension they caused made Rin bite his lips, and Haru's eye followed causing him to feel things he didn't want to. Everything was going fine and they pretended that the tension in the air was nothing, until..._

_"Hey Haru, look what I brought" the redhead smiled brightly as the raven-haired guy looked over and instantly his ocean eyes widened._

_In Rin's black backpack there was a large bottle of sake._

_"Rin..." Haru said cautiously, although excitement was present in his voice, even Rin noticed as he started to chuckle and gently hit Haru's shoulder_

_"Heh... Haru even you're excited" Rin said as he slung an arm around Haru and pulled him closer as he poured some sake into an empty glass. Haru tensed at the closeness between the two, he felt the warmth of Rin's hand on him._

_They were sitting on the floor in front of a small table where they had eaten, mackarel of course, much to Rin's dismay as he acted like he hated it and just had to tease Haru about it, he'd never confess that he liked it, even more so since Haru had cooked it._

_Rin quickly chucked down the sake, it was his first time drinking despite both being of a legal age. He had wanted to try it for a while and there was not a better circumstance than here. Especially with just the two of them._

_Rin scrunched up his face as the taste was quite bitter, but he acted like it was fine._

_He took Haru's glass and started pouring sake into it, as he looked over at Haru, Haru had been looking at Rin and their faces were inches apart. Rin's heart skipped a beat and his cheeks started to blush. He quickly handed Haru the glass without looking him in the eyes. Haru's eyes longed for Rin's eyes as he reached out to grab the glass._

_"Heh Haru you wanna try too, admit it" he said in a challenging tone_

_"Fine" Haru said and chucked it down, too fast._

_They drank a few glasses more each and it definitely had an effect on them._

_They were laughing and giggling, with their red faces, even Haru was talking a lot more than usually._

_They had changed positions and were sitting in front of the couch on the floor, letting their backs lean on it. They were sitting close enough that their shoulders were touching, and both of them felt it. The warmth gave life to butterflies in their stomachs._

_"Rin..." Haru said, his voice stiff and heavy "so you're leaving soon huh" Haru looked down as he said it, and Rin looked over at him and saw what he thought was sadness in his eyes. What Haru was sad? Really? They were close friends but Haru had always acted quite indifferent, Rin didn't think he'd care that much. Rin would miss him though._

_"Don't... forget about me" Haru said, and Rin's jaw dropped in shock. He looked over and their faces were so close together, it was like they could see nothing but each other._

_"I won't.... I could never" you're unforgettable Haru, Rin thought the last part. Or so he thought, but the blush on Haru's cheeks along with the sound of his own voice told him otherwise. Rin's face instantly turned red and he looked away, but Haru softly grabbed his cheek with his warm hand and turned his face toward him. He leaned in towards Rin with his flushed cheeks. Haru's blue eyes glistened and were so beautiful but they slowly closed as he went closer to Rin, his mouth slightly opened._

_Rin just stared in shock. Suddenly he felt the warmth and softness of Haru's lips on his own. It felt so good, so soft, amazing. The feelings he had bottled up inside of him exploded outward and before knowing it, he had lifted Haru up into the couch, laying him down as he sat on top of Haru holding leaning down and connecting their mouths._

_Neither Haru nor Rin had prior kissing experience, but they tried, and it started to feel really good. Rin deepened the kiss as he slipped his tongue inside Haru's mouth. He felt Haru stiffen but then slowly soften as he slightly moaned against Rin's tongue. Haru's leg reaching up between Rin's legs, slowly rubbing his member, causing Rin to moan out loud. Haru hadn't meant to do, but he felt the excitement grow inside of him by hearing Rin like that. He raised his leg even deep into Rin causing the redhead to shake slightly, the pleasure increasing inside both of them._

_Rin broke the kiss as he went down to Haru's neck and softly kissed him. Haru moaned in pleasure and he could feel Haru's hard member against his own. He started sucking harder on his neck until Haru yelped in pleasure. Rin looked up at him, and as he saw the embarrassment and lust in Haru's beautiful blue eyes that contrasted his rose cheeks, he felt his heart skip a beat._

_"You're so beautiful Haru" Rin said in a tone as sweet as honey as he leaned down and licked his cheek._

_Haru was embarrassed and he softly sighed, his cheeks turning even brighter. He lifted his head and pushed Rin down into the other side of the couch causing him to be on top. He ripped Rin's shirt off of him and softly laid kisses all over his torso. He then sucked on his nipple, causing Rin to shiver and moan loudly._

_"I love you Rin, I always have, ever since I first met you" Haru said and looked down at Rin with so much love sprinkling around in his eyes. It was true, Haru had loved Rin since the time he met, in the start he acted cold towards Rin because he was scared of how Rin made him feel. But with time and everything that happened he began to yearn for Rin, for his attention, even his gaze was enough._

_Rin was overwhelmed in emotion, pleasure and he felt so warm, so happy, something he couldn't explain with words. Haru's eyes softened even more, but also became worried as he saw clear teardrops roll down Rin's cheek. He gently wiped them away with his soft hand, as he went down and kissed Rin's forehead._

_Rin looked up into Haru's eyes but it was too much so he turned his face into the side of the couch and softly cried._

_"What's wrong Rin?" Haru said with concern in his voice, his heart beating way too fast_

_Rin was embarrassed, why was he so emotional, but he couldn't help it he was just so happy. He dried his eyes and looked up at Haru_

_"Haru, I love you too"_

_Haru's eyes glistened and his cheeks burnt. His heart was beating so fast and he felt so happy. It was like they were in their own bubble, a bubble of pleasure, happiness and warmth. Haru bent down and kissed Rin's tears, nose, cupids bow and then his mouth. He deepened the kiss and dominated Rin with his tongue. The pleasure was too much and Rin whimpered beneath him. Moaning against his tongue in soft small cries. This turned Haru even more on, as he reached his hand down beneath Rin's loose sweat pants and softly touched Rin's hard penis. Rin immediately stiffened and Haru pulled back, but Rin looked away, the blush on his cheeks so red, and the intense gaze of lust in his eyes."_

_Ke... keep going..." he said softly and quietly and Haru was shocked, Rin's voice was so cute and he could hear the embarrassment and desperation in it as he begged "please" He kissed Rin deeper as he started pumping up and down on his member. Rin's moans were getting louder and he whimpered, then he reached up and touched Haru's member and Haru shivered, the pleasure overwhelming him, he kissed even deeper, but it became sloppier the more intense pleasure he felt._

_Rin moaned out loud and his back arched off the couch causing him to lean closer into Haru as their mouths clashed together causing Rin to softly nibble on Haru's tongue. Rin could feel the release on his bare stomach._

_He grinned at Haru and stopped touching him. He sat up and kissed Haru's longing mouth, then his neck as he whispered "I'll make you feel good"_

_He then placed himself on the floor and spread Haru's legs causing him to sit in front of him. He pulled Haru's pants and boxer further down as he slowly put his mouth over Haru's penis. Haru moaned and trembled, the pleasure was overwhelming. It was something he hadn't felt before and the wetness that surrounded his member made him feel so good. He looked down at Rin, with red cheeks and desperate eyes, and saw Rin looking up at him. Rin was so beautiful, it felt like a dream. He tangled his hand in Rin's beautiful maroon hair. Rin started using his tongue and really sucking on Haru's member causing Haru to moan loudly, his back hunching and his toes curling in pleasure._

_"R-Rin, I'm -...." He tried to warn him, but the pleasure intensified and once he saw the look on Rin's beautiful face it was too late. Rin's beautiful eyes and gaze was too much. It was a dream come true, a fantasy. He immediately came, shocking Rin. The taste was quite bad, but Rin didn't really mind he swallowed and just looked up at Haru, he had made him cum, that made Rin feel so good, and so happy. He sat up on Haru's lap and intensely made out with him, before Haru once again pushed him down and sitting on top of him, leaning down and connecting their mouths._

_Haru moved his mouth and kissed Rin's hair then pulled back and said "I love you Rin". Rin's heart skipped a beat. Haru then kissed Rin's temple softly and said "I love you Rin" and Rin was so shy but so happy. Haru continued to softly kiss everywhere on Rin's face, each time saying_ _"I love you Rin". Rin's heart was beating so fast and his cheeks were warm. The butterflies in his stomach were everywhere. He was so happy, and he felt so good. Every time Haru said he loved him Rin's heart got lighter. It was like all the pain he had ever felt was taken away and replaced by love. "I love you Haru" he said as he pulled Haru into a hug. Haru smiled softly and warmly. Warmer than he ever had. Haru was happier than he had ever been in his whole life. Rin was too. It was something both of them had longed for for years but never thought would be possible._

_They laid there for who knows how long until they went up and cleaned up, brushed their teeth and went to bed. But instead of Rin sleeping on a spare mattress he slept in Haru's bed. Haru snuggled up to Rin as he gently caressed his hair. "I love you so much Rin" he whispered, and Rin felt warmth rush through him as his cheeks exploded._

_He was starting to sober up and became a little embarrassed but he was so extremely happy "I love you too Haru"._

* * *

They had decided to keep it as a secret since both of them were not yet comfortable coming out. However, that month they saw each other every day. They had many sleep overs at Haru's place, but some days Rin would stop by even for an hour and Haru was always happy to see him. They explored and had sex, but mostly they just enjoyed being in love together. They talked about their future together, both wanting to be professional swimmers. It weighed deeply in both their hearts that Rin was moving but they promised to talk everyday and continue as a long distance relationship. Sweet promises. They kept this up for around 9 months. But it became harder and harder. Both their schedules were insane, they trained so hard that when they got back they could bare stay awake. Then they'd have to call each other, and it wasn't the same as being in person together. It broke both of them to not be together in person but neither would admit it. Eventually they missed days and barely talked.

_One day after over a year had passed since they first came together they finally skyped. They had planned to skype the night before but Haru had been training out late and Rin was so sore that they didn't end up talking._

_Rin's laptop lit up as he saw Haru on his screen, but it was painful to Rin. He had been thinking about their relationship for months now, and it hurt. He hated feeling like this. He thought it might just be best to break up._ _He wasn't looking forward to seeing Haru, because he knew that today he had to break up with him. It was for the best for both of them. He had tried a few times before but he couldn't bring himself to it. But he had to do._

_Haru smiled gently as he saw Rin. Rin's heart fluttered seeing the beautiful Haru, but he felt the pain that was going to come soon._

_Haru looked tired there were bags under his eyes, and the blueness of his eyes seemed darker. Rin was tired too, his muscles ached from intense swimming training._

_"Hey rin" his smile was genuine but Rin could tell he was tired. This is the best for both of us Rin reminded himself._

_Rin looked down, he tried to smile, but he couldn't and Haru could tell something was wrong as he saw the usual happy Rin, being quiet and his lips trembling._

_"What's wrong Rin?" Rin's heart was beating fast and anxiety flooded through him. He didn't want to break up, he loved Haru more than anyone else, but he had to. So he bit his bottom lip and slowly looked up at Haru. The pain in his chest felt almost physical._

_"Haru.... I've been thinking"_ _Rin said and then a silence followed, he assumed Haru knew what he was going to say, and he could tell Haru's smile had completely fallen off, and his eyes were saddened and worried._

> _"I think we should break up"_

_Those words ached and when he saw the sadness in Haru's face, Rin felt as if a knife had_ _stabbed him in the heart. It was so painful. Rin looked down, he couldn't look at Haru anymore. He wanted Haru to reply but there went about 30 seconds of silence. A deep dark and sad silence that was overwhelming both of them._

_"Ha..Haru?" Rin said worriedly and as he looked up he saw the tears rolling down Haru's face. His heart shattered as he saw the man he loved like that. He'd never even seen Haru cry before, he was shocked._

_Rin immediately started crying as well, his eyes were red and he sobbed out loud. This caused Haru to cry even more, Haru wanted to reach out and hold Rin, but he couldn't, the best he could do was touch a screen._

_"I'm... sorry, Haru, I love you, but this isn't working out, we both know it" Rin said between sobs, and Haru sighed. He wiped his tears and looked at Rin softly._

_"Don't cry Rin.... This is for the best, I know..." Haru said, but his heart hurt, so bad, it ached. He wanted to believe his words were true but they weren't. He wanted to yell, we can make it work, we can get through this. But he didn't, he just bit down so hard on his lips that it felt like they could start bleeding any second._

_"I'll always love you Rin" Haru said, and that was the truth. Haru could never imagine loving anyone else. Haru's eyes softened as he saw Rin cry even more to that._

_"I'll always love you as well Haru, I really will, maybe in the future..." but he stopped himself, he shouldn't be looking at it like this, he shouldn't give false hope to Haru or himself. He thought that Haru could find a nice man who lived in Japan and they could be together. Haru deserved that._

_Haru looked down then back up at Rin, words were caught in his throat, in his mind he had pictured the life that they would share together. But it wouldn't happen. A small tear slid down his cold porcelain cheek._

_Rin was so sad and he was already sobbing but he just wanted to hang up and then bawl as loudly as he could but at the same time he didn't want to. He didn't want to hang up because he knew this would be the last time he'd see him._

_They sat there for a while, maybe 20 minutes Rin didn't know. Neither of them wanted to hang up but Rin couldn't bear it anymore._

_He sighed "Haru, goodbye, I... I wish you all the best... I'll always love you" he looked down and then up at Haru. Haru gave him a small smile, but it was clear that it was fake. Rin had never seen Haru this sad before and it was heart shattering. Haru's blue eyes were grey like a stormy sky, and the colour of Rin's usual bright red eyes had faded. It was like the colours of their worlds had faded into greyness._

_"Goodbye Rin, I... I love you, now, and always, don't forget that" he said quietly, but his voice broke. Rin was about to bust out sobbing again so he smiled weakly, and hung up._

_Rin broke down, he sobbed, and laid in his bed, his face pushed into his pillow to stop the loud sound of his sobs. His heart was broken, but he knew this was for the best. Haru deserved someone better. Someone he could see in person. This schedule was just too much, and being constantly reminded of not having Haru here was too painful._

_In Japan, Haru had dropped into the bathtub, he sat there lifelessly, not even focusing on the water, except the tears rolling down his cheeks. His heart ached as he softly whispered "Rin..." then he closed his eyes._

* * *

When Haru heard from Makoto that Rin was coming back he was confused. He didn't know whether to feel happy or sad. His heart ached, he had missed him so much. It had been about 5 years since he had seen him in person, he assumed that Rin, now 24 had grown bigger and stronger, as Haru himself had. They'd both been training their sorrows away.

Rin had come back to Japan a few times to visit his family and friends, but after the breakup they hadn't met up. No one knew what had happened. Everyone just assumed that they had had a regular fight. Although, Makoto could read Haru like a book and knew how much he had always loved Rin, he didn't know they'd been together. Although Haru and Rin had both come out by now.

Haru and Makoto were sitting at a cafe as Makoto told him the news. Makoto and Sousuke were dating and very in love, so of course Sousuke had told Makoto immediately.

Haru had been shocked the first time he found out that Makoto and Sousuke were dating. He had caught them in Makoto's apartment kissing one evening that Haru had shown up unannounced. He'll never forget the embarrassment and terror in Sousuke's eyes, it was hilarious. But Haru was happy for them.

"Haru aren't you excited? I know you guys had a fight, but he's still your friend" Makoto tried gently, his emerald eyes trying to meet blue eyes, but Haru just looked down at his coffee cup and was silent. The silence wasn't something new, everytime Makoto, or anyone, brought up Rin Haru didn't say anything. He only had a pained look on his face. Makoto wanted to bring them together again, at least as friends. Sousuke knew that Rin had loved Haru, and Makoto knew that Haru used to love Rin, maybe he still did judging by the look on his face. Although neither of them knew what had happened they weren't ready to give up on their best friends.

"Haru, Sousuke and I are planning a surprise party for Rin, It'll be us and a few others, you're in right?" 

As soon as Haru heard this his heart started beating. He was annoyed, why was he so happy about it. But he knew why, he did still love Rin. Haru was conflicted about whether to go or not. Haru stiffened and tried to hide the excitement in his eyes, but Makoto had already seen it. 

"Are you sure I'm invited?" Haru questioned blankly, he did want to see Rin again but he didn't know if Rin wanted to see him

Makoto sighed, you're unbelievable he thought, "Of course Haru, Rin would be happy to see you again" Makoto said as he smiled warmly at Haru.

At those words Haru felt warm inside and his heart beat. He did want to see Rin, but still...

"Please, even Sousuke says Rin would want you there, you know Rin asks him about you at times, he even asks me about you"

Haru's bright eyes widened, what? Rin asks them about me? His heart beat even faster and he clenched his pale hand laying on his thigh. He felt the splurge of warmth running through him, but it was accompanied by the pain. 4 years since their breakup and he still wasn't completely over it.

"Okay, fine" he said in a calm voice, but inside he wasn't calm. Makoto just smiled so warmly, he was so happy. Hopefully, Rin and Haru could become friends again.

Haru's heart beat faster as the image of Rin lingered in his mind, like it always did


	2. Surprise Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There isn't that much Rinharu in this chapter, but it is setting up for some REAL drama and angst in next chapter so be prepared xD

Rin yawned as he stretched his arms slightly behind his broad shoulders, causing his dark grey jumper to slightly slide down. He was walking through the airport and had just picked up his luggage which was trailing behind him in a black suitcase with wheels; along with the black sports backpack on his back. Chatter could be heard from others as well as footsteps, but it was late at night and the atmosphere was quiet and tired and dim.

It felt good to be back in Japan. He could feel within him that sense of nostalgia, as well as belonging. I am finally home, he thought to himself. A slight smile crept up on his grey and tired face. His mum and Gou were picking him up tonight and he was very excited to see them. It's been around 8 months since he was last in Japan so he had missed it, but this time he was staying.

He had gotten the invitation to join the Japanese national team and he had been thrilled. Tears had been shed, happy tears of course, but also relieved tears. He finally achieved his dream. All those years, training, swimming, not focusing on anything other than that, had finally paid off. It was a weight lifted off his shoulder, it had given a calmness within him. However, he was still anxious to be entering the competitive world. But more so excited, he loved to compete after all.

He was greeted by a push as he slumped over and felt something hit his back, he turned around to see Gou smiling at him, small tears were in her red eyes, tears that she tried to suppress but failed at.

"Oni-chan, I missed you!" she said as she squeezed him into a tight hug

"Gou..., I missed you too" he said as he smiled a soft smiled and gently placed his arms around her. He had really missed her.

His mum walked over, tears in her eyes as she embraced her son, causing Gou to be stuck in the middle.

"Rin, welcome home"

Gou pushed out between them, causing there to be space between them. He looked up at his mother's face, her maroon hair, her maroon eyes twinkled with tears off happiness. His eyes started watering as he looked at her face. He could tell she's gotten older, not that she looked old, but time started to speed up after a certain age. And he could feel the time that had caused distance between them, the time he had spent training in Australia. This was another reason why he had come home. A reason he hadn't mentioned to anyone and he never would. He embraced his mum and squeezed tightly. He wanted to spend all his time with his family now. He had lost his dad, and he wasn't going to lose his mum spending any more time in Australia. He had actually planned by the start of the year to return to Japan and give up on his dream. Just because the homesickness, and the fear of his mum turning older without him being there had crept up inside him and startled him. Some things were just more important than his dreams. This was something he had realised as he had turned older.

Luckily, a race he had competed in, had gotten the whole world watching. He had been racing against a few Australian top swimmers as well as a member of the Japanese national: Natsuya Kirishima. They had tied in free which caught the attention of the Japanese national team, and after a few weeks Rin had received an official invitation to the national team. He really was grateful, relieved and happy.

There was a secret between him and Natsuya though, a secret that they’d both sworn to keep until their graves. Especially here in Japan, no one could know.

The car ride home went well. They had plenty to talk about although Rin was quite tired he did his best to engage and talk, he had missed them a lot after all. He had a small relieved but happy smile on his face as he was looking out the window of the passenger seat listening to his mum and Gou sing along to a song playing on the radio. He could see his mum in the reflection of the window, the darkness of the evening contrasted with the sharp lights of the buildings, cars, and streetlights.

It's good to be home

* * *

They were sitting on the wooden dinner table in the lounge. The familiar house brought home memories, and a painful feeling of nostalgia that hit Rin like a truck. He excused himself to the bathroom as he quietly sobbed sitting on the toilet. He made sure to wipe his eyes properly so no one could tell he had cried when he returned.

The table was filled with a lot of food, many different meals from meat to fish. All of the meals were Rin's favourite meals. There was enough food to feed 5 grown men.

"Mum you shouldn't have" he said softly as he took the chair opposite his mum, and across from Gou.

His mum smiled warmly, life brimming inside her eyes

"Of course I should Rin, I've missed you! And you know how I love to cook and always go overboard" She said, and giggled along with Gou

"By the way, congratulations Rin, Gou and I are so proud of you for making the national team, I'm so happy that you've finally accomplished your dream..." she said and her smile was so soft, so happy, so filled with life, but a twinge of pain as she continued "Your dad would be happy too!"

Rin smiled, his eyes starting to burn, as his stomach battled between happiness, sadness, regret, and nostalgia which were all circling around down there.

His eyes softened as he looked at his mum, then at Gou, then back at his mum. A warm smile on his face, wetness in his eyes, and a small blush on his cheeks

"Thank you, Mum"

* * *

Rin had stayed the first few nights at his mum's place to catch up with her and Gou, although Gou currently lived out in Tokyo where she was studying at a university. She even had a boyfriend that she had accidentally told Rin about. And of course, Rin wasn't surprised it was him. Momo. The first time Gou had mentioned being out on a date with Momo, Rin's eyes had widened, and his jaw dropped. Gou immediately blushed furiously and hid her mouth behind her hand. There was an awkward silence, but Rin figured that if anyone were to date Gou, he'd be happy with Momo. They'd known each other for years, and Momo had liked her for so long. Apparently, they'd been together for 5 months. And with Rin's own messed up love life how did he have any right to judge. That thought made his heart hurt as he quickly thought about Haru, but then supressed it once, he saw that familiar face looking at him in his mind. He always suppressed those feelings, that’s how he continued without him. That’s the only way he could survive living with the loss of the love of his life. The only person he had ever loved, and ever would love.

Afterwards, Rin was going to stay at Makoto and Sousuke's place in Tokyo for a few weeks before he found his own place. He was really grateful, but it would be a bit odd to be the third wheel. They'd been together for around 2 years, and Rin was used to it, but he was shocked the first time Sousuke told him. He didn't even know Sousuke was bisexual, it was at this moment that Rin had come out as gay as well to everyone. He had felt more confident and comfortable in himself after learning Sousuke was bisexual and Makoto was gay, because Rin’s sexuality was something that took him a while to accept. That’s why he and Haru had hidden their relationship. Looking back, he should just have come out, then maybe things wouldn’t have to have happened the way they did…. No – don’t think about that, is what he told himself.

* * *

Rin had slept on the couch in the one bedroom apartment. It was a small apartment but big enough for the couple who were living there. With a living room that merged in with a kitchen. A bathroom with a shower, and a balcony on the other side of the kitchen. It had everything Makoto and Sousuke needed.

When Rin had arrived at the apartment, they had all eaten and had fun, they had given him a tour of the house, and in the living room something caught his eye. It was the photo of Rin, Haru, Makoto and Nagisa’s relays. Both the one from elementary and high school. It made Rin feel very conflicting feelings. Especially as he looked at how close Haru and him were standing, how his hand was over Haru’s shoulder. They used to be so close, and now they hadn’t even spoken for 4 years. He missed him. But he didn’t even know where to begin. The way they had ended was so bad and abrupt, and the time had become distance between them. Distance that felt like he could never catch up to Haru.

* * *

Rin awoke to the dimmed sunrays hitting his face from the transparent white cotton curtains. He could tell by the intensity of the light that it was still quite early. Probably 8am or something. He sniffed a delicious smell, as he heard a sizzling noise. Bacon. No question about it. He could hear someone in the kitchen making breakfast. He had a maroon tank top, a colour similar to his hair, and he pulled his pair of jeans on. He quickly went into the kitchen where he saw Makoto making breakfast. He hadn't heard Rin come yet.

"'Morning, Makoto" Rin said, his voice hoarse and groggy after sleeping

Makoto was a bit startled, but he turned his face and gave Rin one of his sweet, honey smiles. His emerald eyes sparkling, even in the morning, he was truly happy.

"Good Morning Rin, I hope you're hungry, I've made special breakfast for you" Makoto said gently, Rin looked over at the frypan and saw the 3 eggs, 3 slices of bacon, and a bowl of rice, and assumed that Makoto had made it for them all three.

"Thank you Makoto" Rin smiled, "Is Sousuke still sleeping?" He asked, but he didn't really need the answer as one of Sousuke's snores interrupted their conversation.

Makoto giggled, and finished cooking the food.

"heh, you can go and wake him up now" Makoto said.

Rin went down the hall following the brown wooden floors as he opened the door to Sousuke and Makoto's room. He saw a large bundle of blankets, laying in the middle of their double bed and knew it was Sousuke.

"Hey... Wake up" Rin said hoarsely, and gently shook Sousuke's shoulder.

Sousuke took his hand and was still half-asleep. His eyes had very narrowly been opened and only showed the slightest hint of turquoise. He lifted Rin's hand and kissed the back of it softly.

"Good morning, Baby" Sousuke said happily, but then paused as he realised it wasn't Makoto's hand.

Rin blushed, and yanked his hand away from his best friend, shocked by what had just occurred

"The hell, idiot" Rin said, but in a joking tone as he started laughing, the whole situation was ridiculous.

Sousuke's jaw had dropped and his eyes avoided Rin, a blush painted his cheek, as he looked very embarrassed. He muttered something slightly unintelligible under his breath, something along the lines of "I thought you were Makoto" but Rin just slapped the top of his head gently as he said

"Breakfast is ready"

Rin left the room, still giggling about what had happened.

They all three sat down and had breakfast together around the small round table situated in the open area between the living room and kitchen. The food was delicious, Makoto was a good cook, but Rin had kinda suspected that for some reason, cooking just seemed like a Makoto thing for some reason. They talked and had fun and laughter erupted between them. Sousuke's eyes were glistening, he was really happy that his best friend was back, and Makoto could tell. It made Makoto even happier to see Sousuke that happy. He smiled looking at Sousuke laughing at one of Rin's jokes. Makoto himself had also missed Rin, everyone had, especially Haru. Makoto knew something was off between them with how they hadn’t talked in years, but being Haru’s best friend, he could tell how much he missed Rin. He could tell that Haru loved Rin, and always had. Even though Haru hid it from everyone. And Makoto was pretty sure that Rin loved Haru back, especially after Sousuke told him that he himself had thought that Rin loved Haru. But Makoto wasn’t surprised that Rin hadn’t mentioned Haru, it was to be expected, but he could tell that Rin wanted to see Haru, the look of yearning was overwhelming within Rin’s eyes when he had looked at that relay photo, so much so that Makoto had noticed it.

* * *

Later on, around 1pm on the Saturday afternoon, Sousuke took Rin out to a movie, an action movie actually, where even though they were barely any sad scenes, Rin still managed to cry. This habit of Rin’s was something that always made Sousuke smile fondly. Afterwards, they went shopping for a few hours. Rin had really missed Sousuke, and hanging out with him was so effortless even after all these years he’d been in Australia. They laughed at the same types of jokes, and they could still read each other like books. It goes to show that a true bond can never be broken, especially not by distance.

Sousuke's shoulder had healed nicely and he was competing again. Sousuke was really fast, and Rin knew that Sousuke could probably make the national team next year. Nothing would make him happier than to be with Sousuke on a swim team, maybe just being with Haru- no Rin stopped that thought. He didn’t want to ruin this day by thinking about him.

The day had been wonderful, but little did Rin know it was a distraction since people had been preparing the surprise party back at Sousuke and Makoto's apartment.

* * *

The cold metal steel door handle turned down slightly as Rin opened the door to Sousuke and Makoto’s apartment. Sousuke stood right behind him, a shopping bag hanging from his left hand.

Rin slowly opened the door, not expecting anything but was met with an overwhelming sound of an explosion as confetti sprung out. He was shocked and his red eyes widened, as he saw the faces of many familiar people.

There were so many people there. Makoto, Nagisa, Rei, Gou, Momo, Kisumi, Ai, Seijuro and a few others from samezuka. Even Natsuya was there. Rin side-eyed him and tried not to make eye contact.

Rin was so touched but he turned his head and his eyes connected with ocean blue eyes. Eyes he had known and loved before. Eyes that made something within him tense, and a warmth followed by a sudden heaviness and emptiness, that reminded him of what he had lost.

Haru had grown, he looked a little taller, his shoulders were a little broader, his build a little bigger with bigger muscles, his face a little thinner, and he overall looked a little older. He was so handsome though, that Rin’s heart started beating. Rin had not expected to see him, and he was nervous even to look at him, he remembered the past, both the good and the bad, and he just wanted to run over to him and hug him. But he couldn’t. He was scared, he had ruined everything by breaking up with him, and Haru was over him by now, he definitely was.

Massive efforts within Rin caused him to finally manage to break eye contact with Haru, and a smile grew on his previously open mouth, as he smiled and giggled looking around at everyone there. A slight blush forming on his cheeks.

People ran over and started hugging him. But Haru stayed behind awkwardly. All he could was watch Rin with a small smile on his face. It was as if time had frozen as he had seen Rin. His heart beat faster, but it also ached for him. The pain from the past had resurfaced seeing him.

Rin was so surprised and tears started flowing out of his eyes as he hugged Sousuke. He was so touched by everyone surprising him, and he was so overwhelmed seeing everyone, especially Haru. He sniffled and lowered his cap to try to hide his tears, but people had already noticed.

Momo blurted out “Are you crying, Rin-Senpai?” with a bright glimmer in his eyes. He still called Rin senpai even after all these years.

Rin huffed shyly, and dried his eyes with the back of his hands as he stuttered “No I’m not” but everyone knew he was. Ai ran over and hugged Rin giggling, saying “I missed you” “we all did”

The tears got harder to stop, but Rin felt truly happy and sad hearing that. He had missed everyone so much as well.

He hugged Ai and Momo tightly

“I missed you guys too, I missed everyone in this room” Rin said as his voice broke.

And he meant, he had missed everyone in this room. Some more than others.

But as he looked over at Haru, who’s eyes were wet and sparkly, with a slight smile on his face, though still looking composed, Rin’s heart skipped a beat. He had missed Haru too.

He went over and gave Haru a quick hug as others were watching, and Haru seemed surprised, his blue eyes were glistening. Rin’s heart was beating so hard that he could feel it in his chest. They hadn’t spoken or seen each other for years.

It was akward though, right after the hug they both stared at each other in silence, then Nagisa came running towards them, and stood in between them, talking loudly, as Haru walked away.

Haru’s suddenly disappeared as he walked over to the complete other side of the room where Makoto and Kisumi were talking. This made Rin feel uneasy, it was like he had been ignored. Maybe Haru had completely moved on and didn’t care for Rin. It made Rin feel uneasy and sad, as well as stupid. Of course he had moved on, it seemed it was only Rin who thought of Haru. Haru must hate him now. After the way Rin broke up with Haru, he wouldn’t blame him for hating him. Even just thinking about it, it hurt him, and he had to divert his eyes to somewhere else, he couldn’t look at Haru while thinking of that horrid memory. He looked at the cake standing on top of the table, surrounded by balloons and a big banner in many different colours saying “Welcome home” as he pretended to listen to Nagisa. But he couldn’t. All he could think about was how Haru hated him and seemed to want nothing to do with him. Rin thought that they could at least be friendly and have a decent conversation once he met him. But it seemed that Haru didn’t want that. And it hurt him, deep down. He missed Haru, especially standing here with the table between them. He missed Haru looking at him, smiling at him, talking to him, but now it was as if that would never happen again. Rin looked over at Nagisa and Ai, who had joined the conversation, as he talked and put on a smile that was somewhat real, but also exaggerated. What Rin didn’t notice was that Haru was staring at him. Makoto seemed to notice as he softly looked at Haru, then over at Rin.

Afterwards, everyone ate, had fun and drank a slight bit (or a lot) of alcohol. Everyone talked with each other, and everyone was happy to see each other. Everyone except Haru and Rin. And everyone noticed, but no one seemed to point it out. They had planned to go to a nightclub after to party, it was Kisumi’s idea that he had loudly proclaimed in his drunken state. Everyone agreed, especially Rin with his flushed cheeks and stuttering drunken words.


	3. Fuck no...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The surprise party continues at a night club. Alcohol filled with lust makes things confusing, but something that wasn’t meant to happen happened, or was it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I know it’s been quite a while since I last updated but a lot has been going on, but I hope you will still like this story haha 💖

The music was blasting, so loudly that Rin couldn’t even hear his own thoughts. But that’s nothing new for a club. He’d been at a club a _few times_ , actually a lot, in Sydney. He’d go there to meet up with others, have fun, and to forget _him_.   
To move on and find someone else, or at least move on for the night.

  
Rin was dancing next to Sousuke and Natsuya. Rin was pushed by some girls as they all danced in the tight space of the dance floor. He was pushed right into Natsuya who smirked flirty once he saw Rin falling into him. Natsuya just pulled Rin into his arms and held him tightly as he brushed his hand through his red hair softly.  
“You’re coming onto me now, Rin chan” Natsuya whispered flirty and teasingly into his ear, making Rin blush and try to pull away in a yank, but couldn’t. Actually he probably could if he _wanted_ to but why would he?  
  


After all, Rin and natsuya had a secret. One that they both had promised to keep hidden. But with alcohol in their blood it seemed as if Natsuya was finding it hard to pretend to be _just_ friends. The truth is, while both of them had been in Sydney they had actually been dating. Natsuya was the one who asked Rin out, and Rin obliged. He did find Natsuya attractive, and perhaps had a small crush on him. But Natsuya really liked Rin, and Rin sometimes felt bad about it, since Rin still loved haru. So after a few months Rin had broken up with Natsuya. But they still were friends afterwards, and yes they did hook up at times, especially when one of them were drunk. So that’s probably why Natsuya was expecting to get ‘lucky’ tonight. Rin blushed thinking about it, but then he looked to the side and saw Makoto, Rei and Haru sitting on chairs by a small round bar table getting drink. Immediately as he looked over he noticed blue eyes meeting his. As soon as Haru saw Natsuya and Rin together like that something changed. The blue eyes darkened quickly from ocean blue to stormy blue. Rin immediately noticed the look on Haru’s face and he looked away. He was scared. What did it mean? Why would Haru even look at them like that. He was sure Haru didn’t care anymore, right?

After dancing and having fun, being in Natsuya’s embrace for 10 minutes Natusya went to get drinks for him and Rin. Immediately after Natsuya was gone and Rin was left alone on the dance floor; Rin felt someone grab onto his wrist and pull him away from the crowd. He looked up and saw the silhouette of black hair on a man that was his own height. A familiar sight that somehow seemed different. A bit taller, shoulders a bit broader than before. Haru?

Haru pulled Rin into a bathroom stall. Clearly drunk and out of his mind, which normally would have made Rin crack up if the situation had not been so dramatic and out of nowhere. And it made Rin tense up. 

Haru pushed Rin up against the wall placing his hands beside his face looking intensely into the drunk red haired man with beautiful red eyes, that matched the red sprinkling blush on his cheeks from seeing Haru that up close.

Rin swallowed his nerves as he spoke

”wh- what’s wrong Haru?”

”don’t act like that Rin, what are you doing with Natsuya”

Rin’s eyes widened in shock, is Haru jealous? Why? He doesn’t like me anymore?   
  
“What’s it to you?”

This comment obviously seemed to annoy Haru as he sighed and dropped his hands, and looked down the ground with his eyebrows furrowed downward. He was a lot more emotional when drunk.

”it’s a lot to me”

Rin looked down at Haru’s beautiful, even delicious looking lips. He wanted to taste them.

”But why?”

Rin asked curiously moving closer towards Haru. Haru seemed a bit shy and flustered, his cheeks brightening as he pulled a little back. He tripped and fell down on the closed toilet lid as he sat there.

Haru was looking down at Rin’s lips as Rin leaned down and stopped just a centimetre from Haru’s mouth.

”don’t look at me like that if you can’t take it” Rin said in a sensual voice.   
He was drunk off his mind, not thinking clearly. He didn’t think about what a bad idea this would be. His instincts had taken over. He couldn’t think about anything other than tasting that taste again, the most beautiful taste that he had ever tasted. The taste that used to be his, _the taste he wanted back._

Haru breathed deeply, his hands going up to sit on the side of Rin’s face. His right thumb brushing some of Rin’s hair behind his ear, caressing him as his blue eyes filled up with a look of beauty. They sparkled in the dim light, as if he was looking at the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. The most important thing in his life. A precious bundle of gold. 

And so, he pulled Rin closer connecting their lips, and tasting the taste that both of them had longed for. For so long. Rin leaned into the kiss as he climbed onto Haru’s lap and straddled him causing Haru to moan slightly. Their tongues moving gently, which escalated into a deeper pressure, a stronger need to feel the other. Their whole minds clouded with nothing but bliss. They couldn’t even think. Rin moaned as he disconnected then looked down on Haru smiling, bliss reflecting in his eyes as he looked at Rin; messy hair, red cheeks and lips, lustful eyes.

Rin leaned in to place small kisses on Haru’s slender and pale neck, whispering “I missed you” smirking as he noticed the goosebumps along Haru’s neck and arms. Haru pulled Rin’s hair gently back to look at his beautiful smile, then connected their lips once again.

After what felt like an eternity Haru pulled away whispering in Rin’s ear giving him chills

”Come home with me”

Rin chuckled ever so slightly

”Hm alright”

”Now” Haru demanded kissing down in Rin’s neck

”Okay” Rin said, and the happiness and joy in his voice echoed through the hollow walls of the bathroom stall.   
  
  


* * *

They decided to go home, but they didn’t outright tell anyone that they were going to go to Haru’s apartment together. Rin especially didn’t tell Natsuya. He didn’t mention to Haru _why_ he didn’t want to tell anyone especially Natsuya. Rin didn’t think about the future, just the now, and he definitely didn’t want any drama  
Half of the people had gone home already. So they decided to just tell Makoto and Sousuke and they could tell everyone else.

Makoto and Sousuke both looked at each other knowingly when they had told them they were going home, they both had this bright look in their eyes and they truly were happy that Rin and Haru were finally talking. After what was happening. Of course they _assumed_ what would happen. They didn’t need to be a neuroscientist to know. Rin and Haru had always had _something_ regardless of them denying it, hiding it or pretending it didn’t exist. Everyone could tell.   
  


* * *

They caught a taxi home. They were sitting in the backseat, Rin’s head on Haru’s shoulder. As Haru looked down on the magenta hair on his shoulder he felt his heart beat with happiness, with unbelief, as if this lump of gold in his life was finally back. Rin’s closed eyes didn’t feel heavy despite of him being both tired and drunk. He interlocked his hand with Haru, and felt the warmth that Haru had come up into him, making him feel content and warm inside. He kinda didn’t want the trip back to Haru’s place to end, he felt so comfortable here, he wanted to stop time in this moment and stay here forever, but of course he couldn’t; they arrived at Haru’s place before long.

Haru’s apartment was quite decent, better than Rin had expected. Though it was very simple it had been styled quite well, an interest in interior design that Rin hadn’t quite expected of Haru. There was the entryway with a small hallway with a beautiful painting of the ocean hanging on the white walls; on the right side there was a bathroom, it was quite big but that was because the bathtub took up half the space. Rin laughed internally when he saw it, of course Haru. Then further down there was an open kitchen that was pale white with a modern design that merged into the quite big living room which had a balcony. In the living room there was a big black couch, a dining table, a tv and there were a few paintings of different things as well. There were also photos on a shelf, he looked closer and his heart beat as he noticed photos of him there, both from elementary school, high school, but also when they had been dating and screenshots from their Skype calls. Rin’s heart felt heavy when he thought about Haru having them even after all this time, he looked over at Haru who was looking down at the photos with a small smile which beamed of happiness in his eyes. Then the bedroom had a brown desk, a chair and a big double bed with white sheets. It smelled clean, but in the apartment the smell of chlorine and mackerel flooded through the air. It was very minimal but it made Rin feel at home. It smells like him.

Rin was feeling drunk and also very horny, he kinda just wanted to rip Haru’s clothes off of him, but he wanted Haru to be the dominant one, which he usually always was. So he went over teasingly kissing Haru’s neck and up towards his mouth, hearing Haru’s breath drop with butterflies in his stomach. Haru kissed back intensely, dominatingly; causing Rin to stumble back.   
  
Haru picked Rin up and went into the bedroom where he dropped Rin onto the bed.   
The night was long, their moans echoing until the birds started to chirp. It was a long and passionate night it felt like they were catching up on everything they had missed. Rin was going to be sore for days afterwards.

* * *

It was dark outside, only the moonlight shining in. Haru looked over and saw a small stray of moonlight hit Rin’s cheekbones as Rin made a small sound. Haru sat up looking down at him with bliss in his eyes.   
His hand wrapping around some hair strays brushing them behind Rin’s ears as he brushed alongside Rin’s face.

”You’re so beautiful” he said slight fear could be heard in his voice; a fear of waking Rin, but Rin’s face didn’t change and his breathing stayed the same so Haru continued

”I love you, I love you so much”

He looked down, a small warm smile on his dim face

”I’ve loved you since I first met you in elementary school, I’m so glad you’re back”

He pressed a small kiss down on Rin’s forehead before laying down and cuddling up to Rin. Feeling so warm inside despite his room being slightly on the cold side. His heart beating with content. He felt Rin hug him closer in his sleep. 

* * *

Rin awoke to the sunlight blinding his eyes and covering his face. Hhis head feeling hazy, his eyes dizzy, and his backside feeling sore. He was definitely hungover. He had red marks all over his neck and torso, bruises along his hips in the shape of fingers. He noticed he was completely naked underneath the covers and he was quite confused before it hit him like a tsunami hits the coast.

Fuck

No no nononono! Shit 

Fuck no...

He had sex with Haru last night.   
Oh god. He was still in love with Haru. No what had he done, now he can’t move on. But it had felt so fucking good. He fantasised a bit about the night before until he realised something.  
Wait... where is Haru?

”Haru?” He called a few times, but there was no answer. He looked out into the living room and the whole apartment was empty.   
  


Panic flushed through Rin. _He’s gone_ , he’s left. What if he regrets it? Oh my god, what have I done? It was me egging him on. Me starting the whole thing, and now he regrets it and thinks I’m just some stupid slut?   
Rin was so scared. Not only had he fucked up big time and had sex with the man who’s heart he broke. Who had moved on and deserved better than him. That man had also left Rin alone here in his bed. Regretting it. He’s sure Haru regretted it. How could he not?

Rin scrambled to put his clothes from yesterday on. He didn’t even notice that he forgot his bracelet before he ran out of the bedroom door. He picked up his shoes and didn’t even bother to put them on properly. He just had to get gone. How pathetic was he? Haru regretted it, it should never have been done, and then Rin was just sleeping there while Haru was gone. He needed to go before Haru came back; _if_ Haru came back. He might wait until midnight to be sure to never run into Rin again. Rin didn’t blame him.   
  


Little did Rin know if he had taken things calmly he could have perhaps noticed the little note on the kitchen table that Haru had left for him, explaining that he had just gone out to buy breakfast for them and that he’d be back soon. 

A small fumbled

_I love you, Rin_

written on it.

* * *

Butterflies were flying through his stomach, happiness swimming in his veins as he was on the way up to his apartment to make breakfast for Rin. Yesterday had been the best night of his life, he was so happy to finally have been back with Rin. He had missed him so much. He had yearned and longed for Rin so much, for so long, so many times. Rin still owned his heart.   
  


Haru turned the metal doorknob down with his right hand and held two grocery bags in his left hand. He had bought pancake mix and wanted to make pancakes for them. He could be romantic if he wanted to. He opened expecting to hear Rin’s small cute snores, but instead he heard dead silence, the silence so loud and overwhelming and he looked down and saw Rin’s shoes were gone. Dread filled him up, and that happiness within quickly turned to despair.

He instantly dropped the bags and ran panicked into the bedroom, yelling with desperation in his voice

”Rin”

Once he saw the empty bed, the clothes gone, his heart started to break. His face darkened. His eyes started watering up.   
  


**Not again**. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah the ending 💔💔💔 So yeah that happened. Great communication am I right? 😭 but don’t blame Rin he’s just self conscious.


End file.
